Every holiday season for some reason I go into a deep depression! I do not know why but I really think that I need to go and talk to someone. It’s at the point where I am thinking about really horrible things and I know that, that’s not me! All week I have been crying for no reason and looking at my kids and husband and feeling like I have not accomplished enough in my life. Each year it get’s worse and worse. Now that we have new insurance, I am looking up places that I can go and sit down and talk to someone. Calling my girlfriends to listen to me is not cutting it, plus who has room for people judging you right? My daughter, who I am extremely close to knows that I have been faking it like I am happy but really she looks in my eyes and says constantly, mommy whats wrong, she sees the sadness! I know something deeper is bothering me but I can’t really answer my sweet child because to be honest, I really don’t know where it is coming from. I do know with all the horrific things going on around me, running this damn blog, family issues, finances, economy, world changes, cyber bullies, riots, family deaths, it is A LOT to take in and deal with on a daily basis. I always get really excited when I am asked to travel somewhere to get some kinda break from life at a moment but then it comes right back, the feeling of depression.
Just because it may appear that I have everything in life and I should be happy, there are always inner demons waiting to attack and take my joy! Im very deeply spiritual and I pray constantly for it to go away but it doesn’t. I am a tough person by nature, giving, kind and always trying to appease someone but then there comes a time where I want to be left alone for days on end! It’s not normal at all but I keep getting this reoccurring feeling of deep sadness and depression. My marriage is fine, my kids are the best in the world but for some reason I just do NOT feel like I am achieving anything. You may be sitting there thinking wow, she gets to go here and meet this and that person, get dressed up, etc but that does not mean anything to me and besides it’s all WORK! I want to be happy and fulfilled. Most of the time I am but then I slip right back into my sadness.
My dear husband often times ask me if he can help but its nothing he can do or buy. I just dont know but depression is no joke and I am going to seek help before it gets really bad than it is right now. African Americans don’t like to talk about sickness, their mental health and we often don’t like to go to the doctor or see psychiatric help but not me, I love my family. If someone can help me and can fix this situation, then by all means sign me up, I’m there! Please, if you are reading this and you kinda know what I am experiencing, seek professional help. I’m doing my research now to find out who is really good in my area and I will update you guys on my process. Till next time! xoxo